Frozen,
I cannot…again…stop the tears from falling.

It has already been a long and meaningful journey.
And now, I have to take another one.
It wouldn’t be easy.It has never been.
But each step, each difficult step—I know—will bring me closer to you.

I have always been so weak,
Your warrior has always been so weak.
But in every battle,
No matter how I fall, how I fail, how I lose,
how badly wounded I may be,
You always embrace me with your love—With that amazing, wonderful, love.

I will take this battle more bravely now.
I shall leave everything behind,
And bury them far below,
Where only your clock shall find.

I will forget myself,
leave myself behind,
And I shall offer to you every breath, every portion, every bit, every piece of me.
And I shall tread with an eye single to thee.
An eye only for thee.

I will feed your lambs,
Tend your sheep,
Love them, care for them,
Deeply, sincerely, genuinely.

This time, master,
As I finally take another step,
Take my feeble hands,
My weak knees,
My weak feet.

And your arm shall be my arm.
And you shall be my shield and buckler.
And thou shalt gird up my loins,
And I shall fight manfully for thee;
And mine enemies shall be under my feet;
And their swords shall fall.

And with thee, for thee, through thee,I shall be preserved.

July 10, 2009/12:59am

NOONG Agosto 1977, isang dulang lantarang kontra sa batas militar ang itinanghal sa Unibersidad ng Pilipinas, Diliman. Palibhasa’y limang taon na, kampante ang diktador na si Marcos na ang kanyang rehimeng militar ay hindi na matitinag. Ngunit heto ngayon ang isang di-inaasahang dula, naghahamon.

“Bago pa man ang opening night,” ayon kay Dr. Doreen Fernandez sa Palabas:Essays on Philippine Theater History (Ateneo de Manila University Press, 1996), “bulung-bulungang ‘matapang’ang dula, kaya dapat na mapanood agad, dahil malamang na ipagbawal ng militar. Ang unang gabi ay sakbibi ng pananabik – dulot ng panganib, ngunit higit pa, ang pananabik na masabi nang halos diretsahan ang mga hindi masabi-sabi sa nakaraang limang taon.”

Apaw sa tao ang Wilfrido Ma. Guerrero Theater, masidhi ang kapaligiran. Sa kalagitnaan ng palabas, heto na ang masigabong palakpakan, ang hiyawan ng “Katotohanan!,” “Katarungan!,” at “Kalayaan!” na dumagundong sa madlang nakasumpong ng kapangahasan.

“Ang Pagsambang Bayan” ay kinikilala ngayon bilang kauna-unahang dula noong batas militar na humamon sa diktadura sa isang paraang hindi pinangahasan ng anumang obrang panteatro. Sa kabila ng lahat ng hadlang, binusisi nito ang mga isyung bawal ungkatin, gaya ng pagpatay sa kalayaan at demokrasya, garapalang pagyurak sa mga karapatang pantao at pagkawala ng dignidad ng tao, korapsyon sa gobyerno at walang hanggang katakawan ng mga nasa poder.

Ngayon, 32 taon matapos unang ipalabas ng UP Repertory Company ang “Pagsambang Bayan” – ito ay ipinalabas ulit noong 1981 at 1984 ng UP Rep din – heto na naman.

Bakit “Pagsambang Bayan” ulit?

Inawit ng kilalang American singer-songwriter na si Bob Dylan, at tama naman, na “the times, they are a-changin’.”Totoo, pagkarami na ngang nagbago sa paglipas ng panahon. Ngunit pagkarami din ang hindi nagbago, gaya ng pagpatay sa kalayaan at demokrasya, garapalang pagyurak sa mga karapatang pantao at pagkawala ng dignidad ng tao, korapsyon sa gobyerno at walang hanggang katakawan ng mga nasa poder.

Bukod sa layuning maipakita sa kasalukuyang henerasyon ang isang historical play, ipinapaunawa ng Tag-ani Performing Arts Society na ang mga nangyayari ngayon ay ang siyang noon pa’y kasawian nating lahat, sa kabila ng mga Edsa at pag-iiba-iba ng mga administrasyon. Pinapayagan ng isang malupit na siklo ang pagpapatuloy ng isang sistemang mapang-api at mapagsamantala na mambiktima sa sambayanan habang walang kahihiyang naglalako ng huwad na pag-asa ng isang diumano’y mabuting bukas. Ang muling pagtatanghal ng “Pagsambang Bayan” ay isang pagkakataon para sa kritikal na pagninilay-nilay ng noon at ngayon, at para din sa mapanlikhang bahaginan at pag-uugnay ng mga artista at manonood hinggil sa mga nagbabagang isyung pambayan.

Higit sa simpleng pagbuhay ng isang lumang obra, layon ng muling pagtatanghal ng “Pagsambang Bayan” na maisadula sa kasalukuyang henerasyon kung paanong ang teatrong Pilipino ay tumugon sa tungkuling panlipunan nito sa isa sa pinakamadilim na yugto ng ating kasaysayan. Layunin nitong muling pagtibayin ang obligasyon ng teatrong Pilipino hindi lamang para magkomentaryo sa tinatawag na human condition ngunit para makamit ang kaganapan ng potensyal ng pagkatao ng ating sambayanan.

Pambihirang anyo ng sining, mapangahas na nilalaman

Ayon kay Dr. Nicanor Tiongson sa aklat na Tuklas-Sining (Cultural Center of the Philippines, 1991), ang “Pagsambang Bayan” ay nagbigay ng bagong kahulugan sa pinakalumang dramang tradisyonal sa Pilipinas, ang misang Kristiyano.

At misa nga ang nabubuhay sa dulang ito na binalangkas ayon sa order of worship ng liturhiyang Kristiyano. Samantalang matapat na nakalapat sa tradisyonal na misa, ang mga tauhan ng “Pagsambang Bayan” ay matapang na nagpapahayag at naglalabas ng mga isyu, kung kaya nagsusulong ng aksyon. Isinasagawa rin ang mga ritwal ng misa ngunit humahantong sa maraming twist, pinakanakakagulat ang paghuhubad ng pari ng kasuotang pangsimbahan, at maging ng sandalyas, at ang pagbibigay sa kanya ng tuwalyang-manggagawa at itak-magsasaka. Sagisag iyon ng pagtanggap ng simbahang Kristiyano sa ultimong hamong panlipunan at pakikiisa sa taumbayan sa kanilang pakikibaka para sa isang makatarungan at makataong lipunan.

Ilan pang tala

Sinulat ni Bonifacio P. Ilagan matapos ang kanyang detensyon, ang “Pagsambang Bayan” ay nagwagi sa Palihang Aurelio Tolentino noong 1976. Una itong idinirihe ni Leo Rimando at itinanghal sa Hongkong sa Ingles. Ang mga orihinal na pagtatanghal sa Pilipinas ay idinirihe ni Behn Cervantes para sa UP Repertory Company. Marami ding produksyon ang ginawa sa labas ng Metro Manila. Hanggang noong 1984, higit na sa 100 ang naging pagtatanghal nito sa pamamagitan ng iba’t ibang grupo.

Muling nagtatambalan sina Ilagan at Cervantes upang bigyan ng bagong timpla ang isang klasikong dula sa produksyon ng Tag-ani Performing Arts Society, sa tulong ng National Commission for Culture and the Arts; at ng UP Rep sa bersyon sa UP Diliman.

Ang dula ay naisa-antolohiya na sa iba’t ibang aklat sa Pilipinas at ibang bansa. Sa CCP Encyclopedia of Philippine Art, ito ay isang mayor na obra ng dulaang Pilipino na halimbawa ng anyong pansining na pinaging-makabuluhan at napapanahon bunga ng krisis ng lipunan.

At habang namamayani ang krisis ng Pilipinas, maggugumiit ang “Pagsambang Bayan.” pinoyweeklyonline

LOVING

Thoughts this Valentines Day

“It is by loving and not by being loved that one comes nearer to the soul of another.”

February 13. A Friday with just a one-hour Biology class to attend to. It was only 2:30 in the afternoon when the class ended. I walked along the academic oval, trying to think of something productive to do. Thesis, I thought. But I was not in the mood.

I decided to just…continue to walk. I didn’t know exactly where to go. No, not home, of course. My family’s not yet there.

I could hear the cheers of the crowd from the sunken garden. Songs from a popular band filled the air. There were lots of vendors along the sidewalk—selling flowers, chocolates and balloons. Once in a while, I would meet some couples and groups of college students, enjoying one another’s company. Cameras. Laughter. There were lots of people—young, old, professionals, students, tambays.

I just need a friend, I thought. I looked around, desperately hoping that I would see a familiar face. None. Just some smiling, happy faces from strangers.

It was those rare occasions when I felt so alone. In a normal Friday-afternoon-UP Fair-Valentines-nothing-to-do days like this, I should have been with my High School barkada or some of my College friends. But I didn’t know where they were. I didn’t have a celphone. I didn’t even know what their numbers are.

I thought of going to Vinzon’s Hall, hoping that I would see some of my orgmates. It’s been quite a while and I miss them so much. But recently, the tambayan was always locked. I realized that I didn’t even know what the new lock code was. I felt so detached.

Later that afternoon, I even stayed at the lobby, hoping that I would see a friend. But why didn’t I know anyone? Have I been gone that long? I decided to just…wait. I opened my Book of Mormon and continued reading. Mormon chapter 2. Chapter 3. Then Chapter 4. Still, no familiar face. I closed it. Surrender, I thought.

I felt alone. I just needed a friend but there was no one. And then I realized I was being so funny. I wasn’t even suffering or something. There’s nothing really to be sad about. Think Brigham Young, I thought. I have to set aside all those selfish loneliness.

Then I thought of a good idea.

I went to a flower booth and bought a yellow gerbera flower. The girl placed some colorful papers and tied a white ribbon around it. She handed me the flower—it was so presentable. I paid. And smiled.

I decided to visit my grandmother.

When I was just a kid, my family lived with lola, together with three titas, one tito and two cousins. We were one big happy family. But when we grew older, my parents thought that it was best that our family move and live on our own. Later on, one of my titas married and settled in Belgium. Another tito and tita also bought a house of their own. They, too, moved to their new home with my cousins. Since then, my lola would often feel sad and alone.

When I was in High School, I lived with my lola again. Every morning, she would prepare a glass of milk for me. I didn’t like the taste of the milk so I would usually just sip and then throw it away. She was becoming weak then. I could recall those restless nights when she would mutter some words while sleeping.

Now that I’m in College, I returned to my parent’s home. At present, my lola was left alone with just a care-taker. It has been a long time since any of us went there to visit….

I rode a tricycle and finally arrived at my grandmother’s house. The place looked so different now. The gate was so high. I pressed the doorbell button and the caretaker opened the gate. I entered the house. It was so quiet. From the living room, I could hear only the sound of the electric fan. I looked at the picture frames above the piano. I saw my 22-year old father, my uncles, aunties, grandfather and of course, my lola— She was so young and beautiful in the photograph.

I walked and entered my grandmother’s room. She was sleeping. I didn’t want to wake her up but the caretaker said it was okay. Soon, my lola became aware that I was there.

She was now so different from the young and beautiful woman in the photograph above the piano. Lola is now 82. She could not fully open her eyes. She could barely sit or talk.

The caretaker helped her so she could at least sit down. I gave the yellow gerbera flower to her and greeted her a happy valentines day. I always wanted yellow flowers. They sort of illuminate a cheerful, hopeful and light feeling. This is also the reason why I would often look forward to seeing the growing sunflowers in U.P. every summer.

My lola tried to hold the flower but it fell down. Her hands were shaking. She couldn’t hold anything anymore. After a few minutes, she said that she was already tired and she wanted to lie down again.

She’s suffering from Parkinson’s disease.

I talked to her for a while and played the piano. The piano was already broken and some keys were now out of tune. I brought out a musical piece from my bag, ‘All I ask of you.’ It was one of my favorite songs and I was longing for the day that someone would sing it for me. J

I played the song and the lyrics…the words…they were great.

No more talk of darkness.

Forget this wide-eyed fears.

I’m here nothing can harm you.

My words will warm and calm you…

Let me be your freedom.

Let daylight dry your tears.

I’m here with you beside you.

To guard you and to guide you…

Then I realized. I was walking along the acad oval, feeling so alone, earlier that day. But my lola, she was living the remaining days of her life on her bed, with just a caretaker.

Let me be your shelter.

Let me be your light.

You’re safe, no one will find you,

Your fears are far behind you.

All we need is freedom,

A world that’s warm and bright.

And you, always beside me,

To hold me and to hide me…

I was walking along the acad oval earlier that day, feeling so alone, needing a friend. But my lola was there. She needed a friend, a family, now more than ever.

Say you love me ev’ry winter morning

Turn your head we’ll talk of summertime.

Say you need me with you now and always.

Promise me that all you say is true.

That’s all I ask of you.

My lola whispered words I barely understood. ‘Salamat’ was the only clear word that I heard. Soon, she was asleep. I whispered goodbye, grabbed my bag and left.

I never really had a meaningful, nakakakilig, Valentines Day my entire life. But this year was definitely one of the most memorable ones.

I tried something new this Valentines and it felt really really good to make others feel that they are loved and that they are special. I think that’s what Valentine’s Day is really all about.

Yes, I would still feel alone at times. I felt like I’ve been far from some of my closest friends lately. I miss a lot of people. I just realized that I’ve been used to being alone the past few weeks. I go to school everyday, attend PE and GE classes with freshmen classmates, eat my lunch alone, go to the library, study, go home by myself. I felt more detached now that I didn’t have a phone. Sometimes, I would just watch some plays by myself, visit the Vargas museum and attend some arts stuff just to deviate these depressing thoughts.

I miss talking to someone. I just miss expressing my inner, deepest, thoughts. At times, I would dream of talking again to some friends who have already left. Some went to a far-away country while others…others just chose to leave and even if they are geographically near, it feels like they are even farther. I think that’s the most painful way of losing a friend or a loved one—when they are just in front of you but it feels like you do not know them anymore, it feels like they are strangers again. Sometimes, I would also wonder if it’s possible to love without being afraid to lose the people you love. Some would put up all manner of defences and choose not to feel it. I had that experience too. But I think that’s selfishness.

Soon, my lola would die. Yes, it would feel like losing someone again. But it’s always the risk of loving. Love is a very powerful emotion and action. And to feel pain, loss, heartache, hurt…they are part of it. But love…love…is always worth all those risks. And I realized that you never really lose someone because they would continue to live perhaps not physically beside you…but they are always there, in your memories, in your heart.

Valentine’s Day is not always about couples, holding hands, expressing undying love for each other. It is not just about getting balloons, chocolates or flowers from a suitor. It is about loving. Loving and caring.

Sometimes you would feel alone, yes. Unloved, yes. Dumped, yes. But when you put off, set aside, all those self-centered, selfish pain and loneliness…you would see that there are lots of people there…waiting for you. Waiting for your love.

“It is by loving and not by being loved that one comes nearer to the soul of another.”

I said a quick prayer and thanked the Lord for this big heart capable of loving. That’s what this day, really, is all about.

That’s what love, really, is all about.

“I am a Daughter of God”

Thoughts from the Young Women President devotional

February 1, 2009

Provident Chapel, Marikina City

I am a daughter of God.

But perhaps that didn’t quite manifest as I entered the chapel yesterday.

I entered the hall looking rather scruffy. It was only 3 o’clock in the afternoon and it has already been a long and exhausting day. Perhaps one of the longest I’ve ever had.

People curiously looked at my untidy pants, dirty feet and the big black bag I was carrying. I returned a blank stare at them and then sat down uncomfortably. The women were all wearing skirts and dresses and the men with their usual white polo and tie.

From my peripheral vision, I can see their eyes implicitly talking as if asking, “Hey ugly, what’s with all the pimples and large eye bugs?” Undeniably though, they were the largest I’ve had. J

They didn’t know what I’ve been through before I arrived in that place. Sitting down inside a vehicle with a gun pointed at you, a man ready to shoot any second—it just makes everything else you see now differently.

 I tried to set aside all the uncomfortable thoughts and tried to focus on the speaker at the pulpit. I looked in front and saw a familiar face. I listened as the man spoke,

“We don’t just give the manual and tell them good luck. We explain and let them feel the weight of their responsibility…”

The weight of their responsibility— The weight of their responsibility— The words repeated in my mind.

 He was clearly talking about the responsibility of the teachers. I paused and tried to recall what I’ve done so far. I started the year idealistic and enthusiastic as a teacher, but some personal things cloud my thoughts once in a while. It has been a struggle the past few weeks.

Soon, the session was over. I got out, changed my clothes and then went back to the hall wearing a dress. I sat down in front and waited patiently for the next session. I found myself staring at the clock and as the smaller hand pointed at number 5, the music from the piano filled the hall and the voices of the young women in front caught my ears as they sang a familiar tune,

I will prepare to make and keep sacred covenants.

Seek promise blessings of the priesthood through obedience.

Live my life to claim the blessings sweet of exaltation,

My testimony growing each new day…

It was the song I usually sang when I was a little younger and as I looked at all the young girls singing, I suddenly saw my 16-year-old self beside them—singing, smiling, radiating, illuminating a sweet countenance.

Tears began to fall. There I go again—I thought.

…The Spirit whispers of my mission,

My individual worth

So I seek for precious knowledge

For learning and for growth

I understand the meaning of accountability

Every step for good or ill is my responsibility…

…Yes just for here and now, I walk by faith.

                After the singing, a tall fair American woman stood up and began to speak. I tried catching my breath. Sister Dalton. More tears were streaming down my face. Then I could clearly recall. Exactly four years ago, I was holding a tape recorder, interviewing that woman. She told me to write to her once I’ve received my young women medallion. I’ve received it years ago but realized that I didn’t know where to send my letter to her exactly.

                “I want to talk to you today about making commitments,” she said, with the familiar sweet voice I’ve learned to love.

                I just stared at her and listened hard as she told a story about an experience she had as a young girl. She talked about a situation wherein she insisted what she wanted and what she thought was good for her even if her parents forbid her to. She cried and cried and insisted what she liked only to find out that in the end, her parents were right. And the decision that she thought was good for her only caused a lot of hurt and pain.

                That was just like me, I thought.

                More and more tears fell down from my eyes. I could totally relate to her. It was so amazing.

                “Once you’ve decided to make a commitment right now, you’ll never have to make that commitment again. I didn’t have to decide again because I’ve already decided,” she continued.

“Don’t ever let anything distract you.”

“The will to win doesn’t mean anything without the will to prepare.”

The words she spoke were so plain. They might just be the old, common statements, cliché ideas for some, but their impact was extraordinarily strong to me…particularly at this point of my life. It’s as if she was talking to me directly. For the longest time that I’ve been attending devotionals, it was the only time that I was crying from the beginning until the end of the entire session. I was sitting there, crying and crying and crying.

Then she mentioned about her patriarchal blessing. It says, ‘you will be with the young people.’ She told us that the blessing says that she would influence the youth and greatly affect their lives. She said that when she first received this patriarchal blessing, she didn’t quite understand those words. It was only now that she realized what the patriarchal blessing really meant.

Then…words from my own patriarchal blessing came “You can make a big difference in inspiring both young boys and girls to change their lives to be better and fulfil their heart’s honest desire and highest destiny in life.”

Those were the exact words from my patriarchal blessing. I haven’t realized how important these words are when I received the blessing. For the past weeks, I’ve been losing my confidence in the things I do. I just can’t help being affected by some recent events (‘recent past’ events, rather). And I just feel so down, questioning my ability to be a mother, to be a wife, to raise righteous generations, to start righteous traditions, and how I felt so betrayed and dumped. Teaching the young women about their divine qualities, and questioning my own, was such a struggle.

The devotional was an eye-opener. An eye-opener. And I just got my eyes opened and I see myself and the divine qualities I’ve inherited more clearly now. And I know I cannot dwell with all the depressing thoughts I’ve been thinking anymore.

                “We cannot change yesterday’s choices, and it is impossible to predict exactly what tomorrow’s choices will be. We have only the present—the choices in front of us right now, demanding our attention. Today is the only time we really control, the only time when decisions can be made. Today is where we interpret our past and make our future. We are all travellers of time. We never have the choice to stop the ticking of the clock. Time is always pushing us forward. But what that journey makes us is a matter of choice.”

                I am a daughter of God. I’ve inherited divine qualities. And I must go on. Move on. Move forward. There is only a road ahead. No more turning back.

                I am a daughter of God. I’ve inherited such amazing qualities. And I must go on. Move on. Move forward. Perhaps not for my own self, but for the youth whom I teach today….and for all those young boys and girls, waiting for me…for those young boys and girls whose lives would be changed for better and whose honest desires and highest destiny would be fulfilled through my influence.

I am a daughter of God. I’ve inherited such amazing, divine, qualities. And I must go on. Move on. Move forward.

There is only a road ahead. No more turning back.

The past few weeks have been such a struggle to finally be free from the chains of restlessness, heartache, distress, hurt and pain. Just when I thought I have been walking on the right direction, a detour is suddenly needed. But I know that to stop means defeat. And winning is all that matters.

I AM TIRED. Tired. More than ever.

But eternity is long. And I don’t have the right to get tired.

Less than four days from now, I am to face perhaps the loneliest ‘birthday’ of my life. Twenty years of existence means a few more years left. The time is running out for me and to face each day bleeding is a warning that I must keep on keeping on.

It is time for evaluation. For self-assessment. And in the process of reviving and moving forward, I ask myself: Where exactly am I in this journey?

Answers came clearly from Thomas S. Monson’s book Pathways to Perfection. As I read and immerse myself from what I initially planned as a tool for escape, words came out so strong. Bold. Real.

____________________________________________

The pilgrimage of life has the bittersweet urgency of a lad…

…who turns from home, eagerly, but reluctantly, moving past the point of no return, realizing that he is now really on his own.

…who becomes aware of the awesome magnitude of life, more vast and complex than his wildest dreams, confronting questions bigger than life itself, knowing the answers he gives will not be complete.

…who realizes that the future is wide open and unmade, its opportunities breathtaking, its dilemmas increasing, its guarantees evaporating.

So shall his knowledge always be incomplete and a safe future forever beyond his grasp. This is the rhapsody and rigor of life.

Every passing instant is a juncture of many roads open to our choice. Shall we do this or that? Go this way or that? We cannot stand still.

There is no guide which shows each superhighway, every fork and turning of the many country roads, the washed-out bridge, or the blocked mountain pass. Yet if we listen carefully, we seem to hear the voices of those who have walked this way before: The past is behind—learn from it. The future is ahead—prepare for it. The present is here—live in it.

At times, we frown on the possibility of learning from the past. But the roads we travel briskly lead out of dim antiquity, and we study the past chiefly because of its bearing on the living present and its promise for the future.

This is not to infer that we should think longingly of our yesterdays, with the hope that we can somehow return and un-do or re-do, un-live or re-live the experiences of the past.

From the yesterdays of recorded history come thrilling lessons for our lives.

____________________________________________

To achieve known landmarks on the way to perfection, keen vision is required.

Signs of national weakness pose threats to our quest—the growing trend toward personal non-involvement, the rising tide of mediocrity, and the choice of security over opportunity.

We must refuse to compromise with expedience; to maintain the courage to defy the consensus; to choose the harder right instead of the easy wrong. By so doing, we will not detour, but rather ever remain on the way to perfection.

____________________________________________

As I grow and learn more about myself, others and the world in which I exist, my perspective continues to widen though I cannot  fully comprehend everything. I have already given up the less important things and I am determined to focus now. The weightier matter should be the center.

Twenty years? There’s so much to do. And I am weak.

But I’m hopeful.

And I’m trying.

From the farthest, yet the nearest star above,

I see their eyes anxiously watching,

Glittering and filled with eternal hope

That somewhere below, we would win the fight.

But at times our light seems dim and its radiance begins to fail

And the adversary laughs at us with a scornful, mocking sound.

As we continue to tread, our weaknesses make us fall,

And our light gets dimmer, and our souls get weaker.

Tears fall down from the eyes above the heavens

And little by little, each eye vanishes.

Hope becomes bleak as our souls seem to give up.

And the star becomes farther, distant, from where we are.

But there are still pairs of eyes in the sparrow,

They shimmer, blaze, glow, more than ever.

Their tomorrow lies in a blurry, uncertain future

And it all depends whether we would stand or falter.

But then these eyes are worth everything .

They are worth all the pain, the sorrow, the distress, the hurt,

The tears, the love, the wound, the tolerance, the persistence, the trouble,

The risk, the danger, the heartache, the suffering, the patience, the wait.

For at the end of the day, it would all be just a test.

And as these eyes watch us from above, I would hold on to battle,

Until we meet again, to unite, to endure—

Steadfast, immovable.

At sa di kalayuan, malayo sa piging kung saan nagsasalita ang mga piling bisita mula sa iba’t ibang ‘panig’ ng Mindanao may bumulong sa akin, mahina parang dasal na sinasambit mo lamang sa iyong sarili: “Walang kapayapaan kasi walang kalayaan.”

Maraming itinagong lihim sa akin ang bayang ito.

-Rogelio Braga  

            Naalala ko ang sinabi ni Ogie Braga, isang mandudula mula sa Writers’ Bloc, na kung may malaya man ngayon, iyon ay ang teatro—higit pa sa midya, sa supreme court at sa kung ano mang institusyong pampulitikal. Naniniwala din ako na malaya pa ang teatro sa Pilipinas at napakamakapangyarihang instrumento ito para ipadama sa mga manonood ang bigat ng mga isyung panlipunan na madalas ay kinatatakutang pag-usapan.

Marami ring itinagong lihim sa akin ang bayang ito. Marami pang lihim ang bayan na nararapat nang ipaalam. At ang teatro—ang teatrong malaya— ay isang mabisang instrumento.

Naalala ko noong na’sa elementraya pa lamang ako, ilang beses din ako sumali sa ilang mga dula. Mahilig akong kumanta, sumayaw at umarte. Gusto ko lagi ng atensyon at ng palakpak. Sa aking pagtingin, sikat ang mga artista na nakikita ko sa entablado. Noong nasa hayskul na ako, mas lumawak ang kaalaman ko sa ilang mga klasik na dula. Naalala ko nu’n na isinaentablado namin ang dulang ‘Ramayana’ at masaya ang karanasang iyon dahil nakita kong umarte ang marami sa mga kaklase ko. Nakakatuwa sila at masarap pagtawanan. Nakapanood din ako ng ilang mga dula tulad ng mga naisulat ni Shakespeare at ng iba pang sikat na mandudula. Nakakaaliw ang mga ito. Sa pagkakataong iyon, tinitingnan ko naman ang teatro bilang isang institusyong nagbibigay ng saya at aliw sa mga manonood.

Alam kong mahalaga ang teatro at sinasalamin nito ang pang-araw-araw na buhay ng mga tao. Ngunit noon, mababaw lamang ang pagkakaunawang ito.

Sa pag-aaral ko pa ng teatro ng iba’t ibang bansa at kung papaano ito nagsimula at umunlad, mas lumawak ang aking pag-intindi rito. Nagsimula pala ang teatro sa mga ritwal at sayaw ng mga sinaunang tao. Sapagkat wala pa talagang lenggwahe, ginamit nila ito upang ikwento ang istorya ng kanilang pangangaso. Mula sa kanilang ritwal—dasal sa diyos, kalikasan, bato, maging para sa kanilang pagtatanim—umusbong ang teatro.

Noong panahon ng griyego, umiikot sa mga diyos ang nilalaman ng kanilang mga dula. Noong panahon ng mga romano, umusbong ang ‘gladiators’ at ang marahas na uri ng pag-aliw sa mga manonood. Noong naging makapangyarihan ang simbahan, naging popular naman ang mga dulang pang-relihiyon—tungkol kay Hesus, sa mga apostoles at santo. Kinalaunan, mas umikot na sa ‘tao’ ang paksa ng mga dula at ginamit na ito sa pagpapakita ng riyalidad ng buhay. Nagkaroon ng mga giyera at nagsulputan ang iba’t ibang pilosopiya pagkatapos ng world wars I at II—naturalism, surrealism, expressionism, theater of the absurd, epic theater, atbp., hanggang sa tumungo na post-modernism.

Kasabay ng mga pagbabago at kaganapan sa lipunan, nag-iiba rin ang porma ng teatro. May panahon na ipinagbawal ang teatro at ikinulong ang mga artista. May panahon na kinailangan ang lisensya sa pagpapalabas dahil sa censorship. Nangyari ang mga iyon dahil noon pa lamang, nakita na ang kapangyarihan ng teatro at kung paano nito naaapektuhan ang paraan ng pag-iisp ng mga manonood.

Naniniwala akong hindi lang para sa pagbibigay ng saya at aliw ang teatro. Dahil kung ito lang ang papel ng teatro, isa lamang pala itong ‘escape mechanism’ para takasan ang mga problema, ang riyalidad.

Ang teatro ay ang paghanap at pagdiskubre sa sariling pagkatao at identidad. Sa paghanap ng tunay na pagkatao natututunang tumingin labas sa sarili. Sa ganoong perspektibo, ang teatro rin ay ang pagsalamin sa riyalidad, sa lipunan, sa mundo.

Ang teatro ay hindi lamang para sa pagpapakitang-gilas, sa mga eksebisyon, katatawanan, ‘spectacle.’ Higit pa rito, ang teatro ay dapat na ginagamit sa pagmumulat sa mga kritikal na isyu, sa pagbibigay boses sa mga hindi naririnig at pagkekwento sa mga istoryang kinalimutan na at tinalikuran.

 Ang teatro—ang sining—ay para sa bayan. Naniniwala akong balewala ang lahat ng talento, kakayahan, pera at ganda ng produksyon kung gagamitin lamang ang teatro sa pagbibigay ng panandaliang saya o aliw sa mga manonood. Dahil kung ganito, para lamang hangin ang mga palabas na dadaan lamang at mawawala na rin. Kinakailangang may tumatak sa isipan ng mga manonood. Pagkatapos ng palabas, ano nga ba ang maiiwan ng mga artista, ng entablado, ng teatro, sa bawat isang manonood nito? Ano ang nagawa nito para baguhin at paunlarin ang lipunan?

Sapagkat ang teatro ay para sa pagmumulat. Totoo, marami ring itinagong lihim sa akin ang bayan natin. Marami pang lihim ang bayan na nararapat nang ipaalam. Ito na siguro ang panahon para kalimutan muna ang Little Mermaid at Aladin. Marami pang boses ang hindi naririnig at ang mga kwentong nila ang nararapat na ipalabas at malaman ng mga manonood.

Sapagkat ang teatro ay mulat at nararapat na magmulat.

Ang teatro ay malaya. Ang teatro ay mapagpalaya.

I have been struggling to finally resolve this contradiction that has dwelt within me for so long. It is a contadiction that I have to deal with every single day as I see people and engage in what I seem to think as important, edifying, noble activities. Yet, With the complexity of the society in which I live in and with my honest desire to serve with all my capacity, the contradiction seems to be growing–binding me really tight.

Which is good? Which is bad? Which is needed? Which is not? Everything seems to be in a gray area.

How can something feel so fullfilling and uncomfortably binding at the same time? (i know…gibberish?) ______________________________

I walked inside the room and saw his face. It was him–the man I listen to in big screens. He was just meters away from me.

Elder Bednar. An apostle of the Lord.

He spoke and the answer came clearly like an old piece of principle that I thought to have known all my life, yet, I have failed to recognized.

"There are two influences in the world. The one is the influence of our Heavenly Father and the other is the influence of Satan. We can take our choice which territory we want to live in, that of our Heavenly father or that of Satan… "

"…THERE IS A LINE OF DEMARCATION, WELL DEFINED. On one side of the line is the Lord’s territory. On the other side of the line is the devil’s territory. If you wil stay on the Lord side of the line, you are perfectly safe, because the adversary of all righteousness can not cross the line." (George Albert Smith)

Satan doesn’t grab us to get into his influence, we VOLUNTARILY move into His territory. There are many things which we consider as Lucifer’s temptations. But what the evil really wants us to do is to DENY WHO WE ARE, that we are special children of our Heavenly Father and that we can be perfected, exalted and reach our full potential–godhood.

What does it take to get into the Lord’s side of the line?

"…with small and simple things are great things brought to pass." Staying in the Lord’s territory is not a one time, big time, grand action–but it takes many SMALL and SIMPLE THINGS.

What does it take to turn around?

We voluntarily submit ourselves to Satan’s influence when we STOP doing the SMALL and SIMPLE THINGs that we ought to do. We cannot just do good then sit back and relax…because not doing anything is what Satan exactly wants us to do. Progression is a ‘line upon line, precept upon precept’ process. Every day, we strive to be better than what we were yesterday, we stand a little taller.

We ACT and NOT BE ACTED UPON.

There are things to act and things to be acted upon. We are agents. Agents act! Instruments are acted upon. We learn most effectively when we act rather than when we are being acted upon. You work by acting. Because faith is the principle of action and power. You receive witness only after the trial of your faith. _______________________________

A LINE OF DEMARCATION, WELL DEFINED.

The SAFETY of being in the Lord’s territory.

The many SMALL and SIMPLE THINGS to be done.

To resist the temptation of DENYING who you are and your full potential.

TO ACT and not to be acted upon.

I felt sooo edified..challenged to be better, to be the best…that I know and that Heavenly Father knows…I could be.

…I have been struggling to finally resolve this contradiction that has dwelt within me for so long. How can something feel so fullfilling and uncomfortably binding at the same time?

…a line of demarcation, well defined….always, WELL DEFINED.

LOVE IS NO IDLE FEELING. IT IS ACTION–CONSTANT, ALERT, AND ANXIOUS TO SERVE AT ANY COST.

Sometimes I find myself in deep, quiet moments, thinking about the past and how I struggled really hard to take away the pain that I felt. I remember every night, full of agony, fear, tears. And just when I thought that it was impossible to let go of these emotions, a miracle just took place and they were all gone…the pain, the tears. It was just some childish thing you feel when you lose track of far more eternal things (wherein you also lose yourself in the process).

‘Recognition,’ brother joenee pointed out.

And you were right there, lifting me up from were I’ve fallen. You listen, you understand, you talk, you listen, I listen and I…well everything you share just makes everything else clearer.

I have this vision and we share the same. Progression. Perfection. Eternity.

LOVE IS NO IDLE FEELING. IT IS ACTION–CONSTANT, ALERT, AND ANXIOUS TO SERVE AT ANY COST.

It is just amazing… How you love me… It is just amazing.

He is still the same. He is still the
same priesthood holder whom I look up to. His indescribable
countenance still illuminates and challenges me even more.

I could clearly recall myself as a
young woman, listening to him teach and speak. His influence still
lives within me. Now that I have grown and matured, I still look up
to him. And now my heart is full of excitement and inexpressible joy
as I listen to him speak and teach important gospel principles once
again.

My heart leapt when I heard he’s
back. Though it wouldn’t be for so long, I am, indeed, happy to see
him, talk to him, and hear his stories once again.

My life has dramatically changed just a
month ago. Dealing with several goodbyes wasn’t easy. But with
these goodbyes come another several hellos. People I care for and
miss so much (for more than two years?) have been back, is coming
back and will be back soon enough. I think I have gotten back to my
real self once again. You know this cheerful aura that I used to
have, this optimistic countenance, the thirst for more gospel truths,
the desire for perfection, for prominence, the spiritual giant that I
wanted to be. They are back. I think I am back.

The feeling is just so great. I have
become so impulsive, immature and lost track of my eternal
perspective for more than a year? I’ve been so proud, self-centered
and emotional. I have sought for worldly things. I have engaged in
misleading ideologies. I have sought for the intelligence of men. I
forgot all the things that I have invested for my exaltation. No
foresight. Immature decisions. Immature choices. I’ve been
overdosed with temporal things. I’ve lost sight of my priorities.

Seeing people whom you used to share
righteous ideas and desires with really helps you come back to your
senses. I missed this feeling of talking about spiritual matters in
normal conversations, which I used to do before. Now it’s just so
great having these people to talk to once again. My support system is
here. The feeling was strange but it surely is joyful not be alone
again. I am not anymore alone. I am not anymore alone. I was never
alone.

The focus. The goal. The concentration.
The eye single to His glory.

There’s a lot of work to be done. And
the time is at hand.